The Poofy Ponytail of DOOM
by Rasin Bologna
Summary: I just finished watching the first episode for once in a long time, and the first Tokyo scene when Kenshin meets Kaoru is kinda lame. Here's why...


**"The Poofy Ponytail of Doom"**

_**Ruroni Kenshin Episode One Parody**_

_**The Tokyo Scene---**_

_**-Note: Oh, god. I was just remembering my childhood, and watched the first episode of Kenshin for the first time in three years, and I really miss that series...T.T So in honor of a kick ass little show, I'm making a little parody. Fan girls: Don't read this and then start to pick on me for it. I'm just having fun, here, kay?**_

In a dark room, you sit down on a small chair and turn on the TV to be greeted by a really annoying voice---A voice that sounds like a man trying to disguise his low-man voice into that of a woman's, with a crappy flute song in the background. This is where you begin to watch the first English dub episode of Ruroni Kenshin. Don't you wish you had gone out partying instead?

"Once upon a time, there was a skinny little guy whose hair weighed more than his whole body. He was a really kick ass samurai who defied the laws of gravity and physics to kill people named Battosai the Man-slayer. Cause, well, he killed people. In fact, he killed so many people Japan decided to declare it a new era where swords weren't allowed. And ironically, he just gave up and dissapeared instead of argueing. But not before he became a legend for being the only Japanese guy in the world with naturally bright red hair." After a dramatic display of killing and a weird waving flag, the title scene comes up.

It says: "The Handsome Swordsman of Legend: A Man Who Fights for Love" And you blow soda out of your nose laughing at the corny-ness of the title.

Then, the downtown Tokyo scene comes up---

A crazy woman comes running up waving a bokoto around like a maniac, while Mister Poofy Ponytail himself is walking around aimlessly in the fog. You yawn. What kind of girl picks fights with full grown men?

"Ah HA! I've FOUND you, MANSLAYER!" Oh, dear GOD. She's got that man-voice. She points the wooden sword at him all dramatically.

The man turns his head and you see this pretty girl face with a scar on the left cheek that makes you blow more soda out of your nose. Can this GET anymore corny? What the hell was that thing? Some sort of sign of toughness? Well, if ya wanted him to look tough, maybe you could have just given him some muscles, and a giant monster weapon. But a gay ass scar on a pretty girl? I mean, who would wanna slash up that pweettty widdle face? You shake it off and keep watching.

Then he makes this really weird noise as his eyes get all huge and comic relief anime-like. A weird noise that will be there with you for the entire series. This weird "Hunnnhuuuuh?" that's way too dorky and exaggerated to even make sense. Call it the "Kenshin Noise"; he makes it a lot. You try to hold your breath to keep from cracking up so you can listen to what's going to happen.

"PERPARE YOURSELF! HAAAI-YAAA!" The man-woman...thing...screams, and charges at him.

Then another trademark Kenshin thing happens. Just as he/she's about to nail him with the bokoto, he jumps OVER her and lands like twenty feet away, but crashes. He just like, flew or something.

Then the man-woman turns around and gets a werid ass comic relief anime expression too.

And the ponytail man makes the "Kenshin Noise" with those swirly dizzy eyes. This one's really long. "Uuuuuhunnunnuhnhnununnuuuuuuhhhhhhh." You giggle at his pain. He's just that annoying.

Then, the man-woman speaks: "Oh, my god. You're like, so totally the Battosai. You, like, jumped thirty feet over my head, completely ignoring the laws of gravity."

"But I crashed. So that makes me a loser wanderer." Then he starts restating himself in different ways for like ten minutes. "I'm a wanderer. I'm nothing but a wanderer. A wanderer is me. I be a swordsman that wanders. I'm a wandering swordsman, that I am. I'm a----"

"Alright. We get it." The man-woman says.

He contunued as if he hadn't heard. "I am a man that wanders and weilds a sword. That I am. I'm wandering and I practice swordsmanship. I---"

Then, the man-woman kicks him in the head.

"Ow..." He rubs his head after making the "Kenshin Noise" agian and says: "Hey, for no adiquately explored reason, would you like to see my sword?" And he/she so rudely pulls it out. "See? I can't kill people with this. It's a reverse blade."

"Can't you just turn it around and cut someone's head off with it?"

"Shut up. I'm a wanderer." He reminds for the millionth time. Then, as if a whistle was enough to make him/her run off, the man woman threw the sword at him and ran after the noise. And he ends the scene with the annoying "Kenshin Noise" while he juggles his sword.

Before the action scene comes up, you change the channel to South Park.

Part Two---

The bath scene

Damn...you find that South Park's gone to commercial a few moments later, so you change back to Ruroken, wondering if the red head's even worth the channel change...

Apparently, you've missed a lot since the first crappy scene, because it's on a totally new crappy scene. Keshin and his freakishly large ponytail is hanging out with little kids, and in your head you're screaming: "PEDO!" But you just keep munching on your Cheetos, and watch. If he rapes either of them so help you God, you'll put a gun barrel in your mouth. They're eavesdropping on the man-woman in the bath. What nosy losers.

Then man-woman for some reason ducks his/her head in the water, as some sort of toughness routine. Only in Japan... 'Effing weirdos. And he/she's got her head underwater for like two seconds before Kenshin uses that as an escuse as to run in on her screaming: "NO! YOU HAVE TOO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!" And her really regrets that move. He passes out when he sees what gender Kaoru really is under that kimono, making the "Kenshin Noise". And naturally, he/she's _pissed_. So instead of running to his aide, she locks him in the tool shed with the spiders.

"I'm sure your dad would have disagreed with your sex change, Miss Kaoru." He says in a grave voice, like he really gives a damn.

"What do you know? You're just a loser punk-ass wanderer!" He/she screams all dramatacly.

"Who the hell said that?" He asks, and gets a rock thrown at him through the window. (And there's the "Kenshin Noise" again.)


End file.
